He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
