you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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