Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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