Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
