How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
my sisters under your porch take her home
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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