mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
she pinky promised me she was 18
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Sorry about my life...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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