I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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