and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize