Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
