She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
