Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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