here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
