so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Randomize
