I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
