This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize