it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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