i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize