Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
