When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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