I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize