you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Did I show you my penis last night?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
