You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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