when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
