I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
