I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
