It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
