me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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