My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
