either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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