I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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