It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
