He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
