Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
