If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
