The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
