Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
