Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My legs feel like baby dolphins
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
