my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
