True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
