Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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