Pants 0. Shit 1.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
