I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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