Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
