she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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