he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
