Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Say something about gay babies.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
