We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize