I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I want to be your penis for a week.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
