the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
