Betty ford says i'm here all night
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize