hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize