My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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