never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
