never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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