This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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