i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
