but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize