The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I need to stop coming to work sober
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
he high fived his dick after we had sex
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
