Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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