On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize