I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Can I color on your dick again?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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