Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
